“More In You” Blog

“I never want to be someone who...”

Sat, 7 Aug 2010 23:04:13 -0400

In the classic Hero’s Journey, the hero (or heroine) realizes s/he is in a troubled or lacking land, and embarks upon a journey full of unknowns. The protagonist launches courageously through wild adventures and faces dangerous foes, all with the goal of securing a magical object that, when returned, will restore the homeland to a state of abundance and vitality...the hero/heronie returns all the wiser, to enliven his or her world! This is all on my mind as I’ve just been watching the most recent Alice In Wonderland (maybe for the fourth time, but you’ll never get me to admit it) here at my sister’s home in Virginia, with her and my nieces, a big blanket, bowls of homemade blackberry & raspberry ice cream, and a very happy Macydawg stretched out across all our laps. I’m on the last leg of my own journey, and I am full, satisfied, and sure.

For the past decade or so, every two-three years I’ve been embarking from my home in North Carolina upon a 2+ week pilgrimage to the northeast U.S. First I stop at my sister’s in Virginia, then at a brother’s in Pennsylvania, then I trek all around western NY state to see aunts, cousins, high school friends, visit my beloved childhood home, and ultimately I make my way up through the Adirondack mountains to Burlington, VT, to be with friends who are more like family anyway. We sit, swim, walk, talk, eat, laugh, share, divulge, wonder, connect, and reconnect. Over time, relationships that have been fond but distant become closer and deeper, sparked with the flame of actual presence. Changes in selves and lives are noted, acknowledged, celebrated if needed, and most importantly, witnessed. We learn and relearn one another, these people and I. They are among the strongest, most deeply colored threads of my life, stretching all the way back to the beginning. They have, every one, played a part in who I have become, and I find myself again when I go to all these bits of “home.” And eventually, after all the visits and experiences and conversations, I hopscotch my way back south again, returning, bearing deep gifts with which to heal my home.

You see, the “home” here is me. It’s the me I was last month, before I left. The one whose well had stayed liquid but, truth be told, had run a bit low. And so I embark. People along the way wonder at my commitment to these relationships. They actually remark upon the dedication it requires, to take the time and make such a journey. But to me? It’s not even a question. It is not a sacrifice, because through these deepest connections I possess, the places, spaces and people who have known me through trials, tribulations, triumphs and ever since I was a toddling tot, I return more sure. More solidly-footed. More aware of the histories of my family and life, and even more at choice about who I am and can be now. I return more ME.

There was a catalyst, and her name was Jenny.

Jenny was my first cousin. She, like all my siblings, was quite a bit older than me, but all throughout my teens and early adulthood, I’d heard about how alike we were. People in the family glowed as they talked about Jenny. About her character, her family, all she was becoming, and they’d say things like, “You and Jenny are so much alike. You two would hit it off so well if you could spend some time together! You even kind of look alike.” And that part was, for sure, true. Though anyone seeing me stand by my mom would remark upon the “mini-me-ness” of our similarities, get me with my dad’s younger sister’s five kids and I could easily slide into the mix without anyone even casting a wondering glance. So yes, I believe that Jenny and I looked a bit alike, and somewhere in the back of my mind, I always assumed we’d have a chance, someday, to find out if the rest was true. But, I never got to know firsthand.

Jenny died when I was 27. She was in her early 40s, with a devoted husband and three kids who were strewn throughout middle and high school at the time. She was working the job she loved, in a school system near their home in Chicago, when her head suddenly rocked with pain. Jenny died that day of an aneurysm no one even knew was there.

So I never got to know if all those fondly-told stories were true or not. I never got to satisfy the assumption that was waiting in the wings, the back-of-mind anticipation of the days when I would finally get to hang out with this to-be-known woman in my life, to fill the bellows of relationship that were just waiting to blow into fullness. And I think when that happened, I decided that from then on, I would never be someone who says that relationship is important but didn’t do anything about it.

I don’t blame myself for not knowing Jenny, but I do see that as a turning point. A big awakening. And I see my dad’s death a few years later as another catalyst, propelling me northward every few years as not to forget my roots, adding layers of depth and richness into who I grow to be in the in-between years, in the meantime of my trips.

Maybe my travels northward are like my own rabbit hole, except I willingly fling myself into it. I get smudged up and sometimes banged around a bit. I have unexpected adventures along the way, and relish the time I have with the people, places, and even animals that I meet with. I relax, and I come home to myself a bit more each time. I unravel some of the mysteries of my family, and myself. I learn and love.

What is it, dear reader, that you will commit yourself to?

How would you finish the sentence, “I never want to be someone who says that ____________ is important to them, but never does anything about it.”

Whatever it is, know that you hold the reins. There are no excuses. Truly, there aren’t, despite the kids and the money and the time and all the rest of the responsibilities and things we pile onto ourselves. When it comes to what’s most important, the secret no one tells you is that excuses can, very often, simply be swept away with the whisk of a well-aimed arm, a decision made, a firm resolution, and the steps taken to uphold it all.

Dive down your own rabbit hole. Become the hero or heroine of your very own life!

July "I Believe" Challenge: Where the Hell is Laura?

Mon, 19 Jul 2010 08:45:23 -0400

Okay, so I started in on this *AWESOME* challenge on July 1. So...what happened after week 1?

Watch this short video blog to find out where I slipped up, and what I’m learning from it.

And tell me...who in you or what emotion is behind YOUR yeses?

p.s. My sincere apologies to the July “I Believe” community for diving in and then bailing. You all have inspired me with your commitment, and I’ve learned MUCH from this about bringing more of me to bear in my decisions. Thank you for understanding! **MWAH!**

Day 11 July “I Believe” Challenge: Family

Sun, 11 Jul 2010 08:21:53 -0400

The is a BIG topic, and it’s a GREAT exercise to *try* to encapsulate what I believe about Family. I may chew on this a bit more and add on. For now, though, here goes:

I believe that:
There is no such thing as a “normal” family. Period.
Relationships within families evolve, ebb and flow. Over the years, I’ve been very close with family members I’m not so close with now, and vice versa, and that’s okay.
Realizing that it wasn’t my job to be the “glue” for my whole family (read: peacemaker, connector, translator, etc.) was literally one of the most liberating moments of my adult life.
As exercise and food are my ground zero for self-actualizing choices, family is my ground zero for actively learning about integrity, clarity and courage within emotionally-charged, often baggage-laden relationships.
“Family” can mean blood-related people AND dear, lifelong friends who we choose to have in our lives as kin.
I am me because of my family, and my family is what it is, in part, because of me. We are inextricably linked, for better or worse. Amen.

(This post is a part of the July “I Believe” Challenge hosted by coach Dani Fake Webb at Destination: Life! To see what others believe about today’s topic, visit Dani’s blog and the July “I Believe” Facebook group.)

Days 8, 9, 10 July “I Believe” Challenge: Failing to Exercise Creativity

Sat, 10 Jul 2010 07:48:10 -0400

Okay, so today’s title is a bit tongue in cheek, and a bit ironic, as it actually demonstrates getting creative about failing to do this exercise of daily blog posts. ;) Today is a catch-up (catch-all?) post, and I’ll try to cut to the chase for each topic. Enjoy!

Day 8: Creativity I believe that:
We are all innately creative. Hand a three-year-old a ball of yarn, a stick and a tape measure. Watch what unfolds!
Culturally we’ve screwed ourselves when it comes to believing we are creative because as we go through school, we become deluded into thinking that one must have artistic talent to be creative.
Artistic talent and creativity can easily be mutually exclusive.
When our innate creativity is applied to how we live, a path for individual, authentic, purpose-driven living is created.
Creativity = exercising the power to create. You’ve got it. Use it!

Day 9: Exercise
I believe that:
For me, exercise and food choices are like ground zero when it comes to areas in my life that indicate my level of conscious, active self-actualization (or not). When I am awake for my choices and when my highest self is behind the wheel of my life, I choose to care for my body through exercise and eating well. When I am not awake for my choices, and when my highest self is not behind the wheel of my life, I most often choose not to exercise and my food choices are inconsistent.
Exercise, as its own thing, had to be created when we stopped working to live and started living to work. Working to live was a lot more physically rigorous and had us doing things our bodies were made for. Living to work, as many, many of us do, means butts in chairs. Our bodies weren’t made for that.
Exercise is an excellent example of something that, on the surface, may not always be fun, but the fulfilling feelings that come afterwards are undeniable. Exercise becomes an excellent metaphor for many things, in this way.

Day 10: Failure
I believe that:
On the surface, we talk a good game culturally about how “positive it is to fail,” and how mistakes lead to solutions, and we have all the same examples we pull out to prove it, like how many times Thomas Edison failed at creating the light bulb until he didn’t, and look how the world has changed because of it?
Underneath that thin veneer, most of us are absolutely terrified of failure because our fears tell us that to fail = to risk being rejected.
Failure can produce some of the deepest, most lasting and behavior-modifying behaviors in our lives. (Think about it. Look back on something you failed at in your life. What did you learn, and what changed afterward as a result?)
It is vital that we each GET IT that we are not our failures! Say it with me: “I AM NOT MY FAILURES.”
It is just as vital that we each GET IT that failing at something does not mean being a failure as a human being. Repeat: “JUST BECAUSE I FAIL AT SOMETHING DOES NOT MEAN I AM A FAILURE AS A HUMAN BEING.”
You are beautiful, worthy, deserving, and truly, deeply lovable even with your very human failures and foibles. And that I am, too. :)

(This post is a part of the July “I Believe” Challenge hosted by coach Dani Fake Webb at Destination: Life! To see what others believe about today’s topic, visit Dani’s blog and the July “I Believe” Facebook group.)

Day 7 July “I Believe” Challenge: Confidence

Wed, 7 Jul 2010 17:03:19 -0400

I LOVE CONFIDENCE!

I mean, who doesn’t? Except when it gets taken over by our fears and turned into egotism or self-aggrandizement or boastfulness or whatever else. But we’re not talking about distorted confidence today. We’re talking about the real deal. The hot tamale. We’re talking about YOU. CONFIDENT!

So, given that Confidence is one of the natural by-products of Life Leadership work, here’s what I believe (and know) about it:

I believe that I am the absolute very best source of my confidence, as you are of yours.

I believe that many small doses of healthy self-acknowledgment over time will build confidence in a deeply lasting, habitual, strengthening way.

I believe that confidence is very sexy.

I believe we often mistakenly look for confidence in accolades from the outside. This makes sense, given that when we were tiny, we learned how to “be” in the world from getting praise or correction. Still, it’s an old m.o. that often doesn’t serve as THE way in our adult years. Praise from the outside is great, but its best place is as icing on the cake of confidence that YOU cheffed up!

I believe that confidence also comes from experiencing success...but ONLY as defined by each of us as individuals. E.g., if I knock it out of the ballpark in terms of your definition of success, so what? Inside, I’m not going to feel centered, strong, clear or motivated because it’s highly likely that some way I define success is being ignored. Not a recipe for confidence!

Yeah.

Confidence.

SO. A few questions:

What choices did you make today that you can acknowledge yourself for, right here, right now?
What is YOUR definition of success?
What will you do tomorrow to move toward that vision?

(This post is a part of the July “I Believe” Challenge hosted by coach Dani Fake Webb at Destination: Life! To see what others believe about today’s topic, visit Dani’s blog and the July “I Believe” Facebook group.)