As a coach three years into this work, my radar is always up for particular words or phrases that instantly pop up a giant, lit-up arrow pointing at my clients’ heads, flashing the words, “FEAR IS HERE!” Some arrow-generators are things like, “I’d like to xyz, but in reality...” or “yeah, it would be incredible to have that kind of life, but the practical side of me says...” And one particular tidbit that’s come up several in the past week is what I call, “The Dreaded Either/Or.”

The most fertile ground for The Dreaded Either/Or is when someone is starting to move forward with a change that has elements of “the unknown” in its outcome. For example, I have a fabulous client who is on a path toward a significant career change. She doesn’t yet know what her new vocation will be, but she’s been doing a lot of fantastic foundational work around clarifying values and “non-negotiables,” digging out and eliminating self-limiting beliefs about this change, strengthening her confidence, and recently, starting to slowly sidle up to more specific aspects of how she’d love her weekdays to flow, and what that means for the kind of work she’s moving toward. Even though we’re starting to get more specific, there’s still a big question mark in the air around what this next right step career-wise is going to be for her, and simultaneously she’s getting more and more clear on the fact that enough time with her spouse and child is absolutely a non-negotiable, to be protected at all costs. All was moving forward pretty swimmingly, when all of a sudden, last week, she arrived for her coaching session in a twist.

“I just don’t know what’s going to happen with this. I mean, the job I’m in now [which, by the way, is sucking her soul dry] gives me a lot of flexibility. Changing careers could mean things like going back to school, working long hours, and who knows what all else? Everything will be out of whack.”

(Flash! Flash! FEAR IS HERE! Flash! Flash!)

After a bit of digging, we discovered that she was in the throes of The Dreaded Either/Or. Either she’s in the soul-sucking job she’s in now that allows for quality time with her family, or she’s in a new situation that might be in a field she’s excited about, but the number of hours it’s demanding means not enough family time.

In that moment, there weren’t any other options. It was either one or the other, and neither option was a “win.” She felt trapped by her conundrum, feeling victim to the Dreaded Either/Or, and at the heart of the matter, was truly afraid that unless she stays where she is, she won’t have the fulfilling, deeply important time with her family that she craves.

Thankfully, the cure for this is another kind of light. I like to think of it as a big mega-watt flashlight that I keep behind my coaching chair for just such situations. In my mind’s eye, I haul that puppy out, smack the power button, and shine a helluva light on the profound limitations this either/or belief creates. As with most fear-voice beliefs, they operate best in the dark, and once they’re out in the light, it’s easy to see how silly they are, and to realize that there is a whole SPECTRUM of possible outcomes, and that, oh yeah! It’s your life, after all, and as one of my instructors says, YOU GET TO MAKE IT ALL UP!

Once we did that, there was so much more breath and space in the situation. She was able to articulate lots of ways this could go. And she could see that even if things did get unbalanced, it would only be for a short time and she (and her family) would go into that situation intentionally, with eyes wide open, fully prepared, and knowing that stuff that was worth it was coming on the other side.

So, it’s worth checking out. Scan around your life...situations you’re in, choices you’re faced with, places you feel stuck or powerless.

Where might you be in the grips of The Dreaded Either/Or?

What are the two options you’re currently holding?

Showing up consciously, what else could be true?

Showing up at choice, what else could you make happen?

Being the creator of your life, what’s the whole range of possibilities?

The Dreaded Either/Or doesn’t have to have you by the tail. Waking up to its hold is the best way to get yourself firmly back into the driver’s seat of your life, and to have your best self--not your fears--doing the choosing!