9/22/09 Oh boy. Ohboyohboyohboy. You know how I’ve

been going on and on about courage lately? Well, life coach

Cassandra Rae at SimplyFearless.com has popped up with

a pretty darn irresistible challenge that I’ve just got to say

“yes” to. It’s the “100 Things I Fear” challenge, and I’m in!

Each day for the next 100 days, I will do one thing that

scares me. And I’ll post it here.

Gulp! Stay tuned, and join in! And, if you’d like to comment

on anything related to this, please do so at my first blog post

about this challenge. Thanks!

Aaaand we’re off!

REQUEST: Everyone’s fears are different, and what might be terrifying to me might be a cake walk to you, and vice versa. I ask for your openness and compassion as I step up to this challenge. Thanks!

1/12/10

What an EXCELLENT exercise this was for 2009! Through “100 Things I Fear,” I found myself much, much more aware on a daily basis of what stops me, where I habitually and unconsciously was squirming away from important things, where I was letting my fear stop and drain me...and through the challenge, I was able to break through some walls, stay in the game of deep relationship with my dear husband, look some demons in the face that I’d been running from for years...PHEW! This was AMAZING!

Thanks, Cassandra, for issuing this fantastic challenge. I’ll leave this page up for a while for any curious on-lookers, and of course, it comes with a challenge: What could be different for you in 2010 if you took on your own “100 Things I Fear” experiment? DIVE IN. All that’s waiting is your vibrant, fulfilling life! :)

12/14

PHEW! I just finished a huge project...unveiling my first ever “official” e-course! (See the “20/20 in 2010” tab above!) And along with that, as well as inquiries I’m getting about a five-week program I’m leading beginning in January at my church, I’m noticing fear cropping up in the form of the “not good enough” gremlin. E.g., as soon as I hit “send” on the email to my subscribers announcing the e-course, I was immediately worried (read: fear-full) that it wasn’t good enough...that people would purchase it, dig into the material, and not feel like it was worth their money. And this afternoon, I got a voicemail inquiry about the program at my church. Before I called the woman back to answer her questions about the program’s format, I went to the mat with fears that she’d want to know more than I was able to talk about...like, she’d want to know details of the program, when all I have currently is an outline.

One gift of this “100 Things I Fear” challenge has been the heightening of my senses around my fears and saboteur voices. In those moments described above, I was able to immediately recognize the fears and sabotaging chatter and quell it by tapping into the stronger part of me that knows better. I was fairly good at it before (occupational non-hazard!), but this has truly heightened my ability to hear and jump on top of my fears before they wreck havoc on my actions, or at least too much!

12/7

I’ve had some public moments to rally for the past several days. In one setting (that spanned the 4th/5th), I had to beat back my “not hip enough” gremlin. That looks so lame here in print, but it’s true! I have a very well-developed “not hip enough” gremlin. It tells me that I don’t have hip enough clothes, that my hair’s all wrong, that I don’t know how to do my makeup in any creative way at all...and therefore I’ll be rejected, rejected, rejected. This particular gremlin has been with me since about 6th grade, when I got my first snarky comment from a girl who apparently thought my pants were shorter than the legal length. (Guess I was going through a growth spurt!) The nice thing about approaching 40 and doing my own work along the way? I can feel myself gaining ground on it. The part of me that knows it’s more important to be my centered, true self in the world is getting stronger, and that is my best antidote to the “not hip enough” internal drama. This doesn’t mean I don’t have a lovely value around Beauty, but it does mean that this particular gremlin isn’t allowed to sabotage it or me as much anymore.

And yesterday I successfully beat back my “everyone must like me” gremlin. A board I’m on was sponsoring and facilitating a public feedback/input session, which could have gone awry very easily. But before the session, I consciously stopped and got connected with what was most important...my stake in the ground for this session...and that was, “it’s always better when we’re together.” (Thanks, Jack Johnson!) That no matter what...if our plans for the session went to Hell in a hand basket, if we stayed centered on that stake, all would be well, because it’s only through collaboration and all voices being heard that we’ll move forward in a healthy, positive way. I shared this with my fellow board members beforehand, and immediately saw relief, light bulbs going off, and deep breaths being taken. And it felt like the session was a success from a deeper place. The satisfaction I felt at the end wasn’t the shallow “Phew! Disaster averted! I’m still liked!” feeling that comes when my “everyone must like me” gremlin is in charge. It was more like, “Yes! That felt good. Voices were heard, questions were aired. The space was respectful. We showed up genuine and true. Life is good. Next?” :)

Today? I wish it was as easy as beating back a few familiar gremlins. Today I find myself in a place of allowing myself to feel emotions that I’ve long been in the habit of stuffing. I’m getting more and more conscious of the fear that’s been running my emotional show...that “if I feel sadness or anger, I’ll get lost in them and never come out.” But that’s not true, and it’s not healthy, and it’s no longer okay. So today, even though it’s scary, I’m allowing and creating space to be sad and angry. Deep trenches here. But I’ll be back tomorrow. ;)

12/3

Eeck! Major lag-time in my posting. Since 11/18, I’ve managed to successfully host my a HUGE chunk of my family for the biggest event we could think to do together (outside of a wedding): Applebutter! This was a lifelong dream, actually, and all the fears you’d expect trotted along for the ride. Would everything go okay? Was every base covered? Did the house look okay? Was everyone having a good time? Was it living up to past gatherings? Did I do a good job???” Lots and lots of insecurities (aka fears) there, as you can imagine. And you know what? I leaned into my relationships. I stayed organized. I let some things go. And I enjoyed almost every single minute, as did everyone else. It was a huge success! My fears helped make sure I was paying attention, but I didn’t let them dominate. Hurrah!

And in the past few days, I’ve expressed anger and hurt two different times in what felt like a responsible, non-toxic way. This is a huge improvement, as my past m.o. has been to stuff it, because I’ve been afraid of what would happen if I did express my anger...either it would be too much, I’d fly off the handle, the person I was addressing would reject me, etc. Problem is, that doesn’t allow me the expression of a very normal, human emotion, nor does it give the other person the chance to know what’s true in our relationship or the chance to work with me on whatever it’s about. This choice, to be honest and direct (without, hopefully, being hurtful) feels very grown up, and like I have my anger, vs. my anger having me. Phew. One. Step. At. A. Time!

11/18

I’m beating back my fear-monger voices right this very minute. A fabulous new client emailed this morning to ask about part of an exchange we had during a session yesterday. There was some question about, “when I said this, I worried that you felt that,” so her email was really about making sure the air was clear and everyone was fully heard and understood. And I am so grateful to her diligence around keeping the air clear between us, cleaning up any stuff that felt funny or weird! (It’s something we always agree to at the beginning of any coach/client relationship, and is SO important when it comes to creating a safe, healthy space for any client to show up authentically and do their work.) Meanwhile, though, my fears are wanting to have their way with it...to tell me things like, “See! You knew you weren’t a good coach all along! She’s really trying to say that you stink! And I’ll bet she wants out of this coaching thing. She’s probably thinking, “Oh jeez. What have I done?” This is terrible! You’ll never be the coach you could reeeally be. What a wuss!”

Honestly, people, can you even believe what these fears try to get away with?

I mean, if that was someone outside of me, saying those things to my face, I’d look at them like they were totally insane and probably laugh uncomfortably and walk away, shaking my head and wondering what on EARTH is going on with them to have them lashing out so cruelly. My heart would hurt for that person, actually, because I’d know it would be so hard being them.

And the thing is, I know that I’m a really solidly great coach. I know I have a deep heart, a keen ear, and insights that my clients need. I know I create a safe space that feels good. And I love that this client cared enough to share her feelings honestly. We’re now in a very healthy email exchange that will only serve to deepen our connection for the sake of her work in this process, and that feels good. Now I’m going to take my own advice and go be of service to someone else, and not give those fear voices any more play!

11/17

Ooof. That’s how I feel. Like life’s delivered me a big punch in the gut and knocked my wind out. But at the same time, there’s resolution in the “oof.” Robert and I have been working on a big, scary project, and now we know which way it’s going. It was scary scary scary to face, and I’ve been staving off having to face it for many years. And you know what I’m learning? Thinking about facing it was worse that it actually feels, now that it’s here. Although it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with, it’s actually not as terrifying as I expected. I am stronger and more grounded for finally taking a deep breath and turning toward what I’ve been trying to push away. (I know this is still cryptic--I’m just not ready to talk openly about the details.) Suffice it to say...I’m facing the mother of the beast, and while she’s significant, she’s not here to destroy me. She’s not happening to me, she’s happening for me, somehow.

Meanwhile, on the surface, it’s also been a week of risk taking in terms of saying “yes” to a short-term business opportunity that dropped into my lap and was a whirlwind, but a good one. I’m part of a local jewelry artist showcase that’s lasting for six weeks starting tomorrow! Two enterprising women decided to try to rent a recently-vacated jewelry store for the holiday shopping season and give local jewelry artists a way to promote their creations. The store opens tomorrow and will be fully staffed, so I just had to nod my head and say yes, write a check, and set up my jewels. It’s a risk for sure, but I’m confident that it’s one that will pay off.

11/10

I’m finding that as I continue with this challenge, the things I thought were “scary” a few months ago seem less-so, now. I’m submitting proposals, standing strong in my boundaries, being willing to let go of my own drama for the sake of someone else’s joy, taking financial risks I may not have otherwise, reaching out for help to address things in my life I’ve been afraid of, etc. But today I woke up scared. Tomorrow’s a big day for the Robert-Laura project, and not really one I want to face. So today’s challenge is to actually be with my fear. It’s here, I know it needs to be here, and I know my job isn’t to eradicate it. But I CAN take care of myself while it’s here. So, today I take good care of myself. I will practice yoga. I will connect with dear friends and show up authentically and as I am (instead of trying to pretend that I’m fine). I will stay connected with Robert (instead of retreating into my internal hobbit hole). So, today is about allowing fear to be present but not allowing fear to take me over. I can have fear, but fear doesn’t have to have me.

11/6 Addendum

Oh, and I’m trying NIA for the first time tonight. Ack! Fear of looking stupid out in full force, but who cares? Desire to move, groove and laugh is STRONGER. So there! :D

11/6

Can I just say that I have TOTALLY kicked ass the past 24 hours when it comes to my fear of success? Yesterday, I pushed through that fear and made calls I’ve been procrastinating, wrote AND sent a 5-week class proposal I’ve been sitting on. Took on a new client who, at first, was intimidating to me because I’m in total awe of her amazing self (and--turns out--I’m a GREAT coach for her!), got and stayed totally organized for not only the day but also the upcoming three extremely full days I have ahead, and did great work in our couples group last night. YES! You know, people...I have hanging on my wall above my desk a post-it that says, “You get what you practice. What are you practicing?” Thanks to Cassandra, this whole challenge has us practicing NOT letting fear run the show, and for me, it’s also got me practicing really listening to what I need (see 10/29 entry). Freaking awesome.

11/4

My fears HATE for me to be seen as weak or imperfect or not the best, most brilliant person on the planet. (Low standards, those fears have, you know?) So I HATE to write down here, for all the world to see, that today I totally and completely fell off the wagon of my health and eating plan. After 3.5 months of doing SO well with my super-awesome, joint-health, anti-inflammatory eating plan, I absolutely completely fell off the wagon today. I gave into a momentary craving and pretty much chowed down on powdered mini donuts. I let myself get 100% completely hijacked. Dammit. Now you know...I’m not the most perfect, brilliant person in the world! (My fears are going apeshit that I just wrote all that and am about to hit “publish.” Too bad, fears. Authenticity is more important than your drama.)

10/30

Wow--what an amazing session this morning with my wonderful, empowering therapist, Lynne Dulken! We did a deep-dive visualization, actually calling some of my female ancestors who have passed on to help me through a time when I need some additional strength and resources. During the visualization itself, which was LONG, I could feel resistance trying to nudge its way in. My fear of STAYING deep in the work wanted me to giggle or pop out of the meditation, but something stronger in me--the part that knows I crave and need the energetic support of those badass women I was calling in--pushed that fear aside for the sake of the work I was doing. FOR THE SAKE OF! That’s a fear butt-kicker every time, for me!

10/29

Oh dear. Nine days without posting! And I had some realizations about this today in the shower:

1. -First, given the heavy-duty emotional stuff going on here at casa Neff/Hildreth (all good, but very intense), I’ve needed rest, gentleness, space and permission to simply “be” more than I’ve needed to go charging through fear every day. Hear this: I ABSOLUTELY BELIEVE there is a VERY important time and place to bust through fear on a regular basis! And, for me, in this time, I have needed something different, and I have listened to that stronger need.
   

2. -Second, I have a client who took a break a few months back, promising to pick back up in September, and that client has vanished. It’s maybe the second or third time in 3.5 years that this has happened, but I’ve been making attempts to communicate, to give this client the opportunity to stand in their knowing and claim what they need, which is apparently to focus on other things rather than coaching right now. There’s strength and power in claiming what you know you need, unapologetically and respectfully. It’s been making me a bit sad that this client hasn’t done that, because I’m imagining that there’s some shame on their end regarding just disappearing. (Totally making that up, but I know that’s been the case for others who have slipped away sans communication.) AND, I realized that I was starting to feel some of that same guilt for not showing up here, communicating where i am with this challenge. In essence, I’ve disappeared from this challenge like that client has disappeared from coaching! Not okay with me. SO, that’s why I committed to posting an update today. To stand in the truth of what I know I need: I need the self-permission to make this challenge what it needs to be for me. I’m claiming the right to keep it very top of mind, to bust through fears on a very regular basis, and to post about it here, BUT to also be gentle with myself on the days that emotionally I’m just not there because I’m being fully with other extremely challenging things. (Note: not the same as hiding out from this challenge.)
   

3. -And that’s it for today! I appreciate your notes, your checking in. Trust that I’m out here, digging into the marrow of life and love and emotion and all of it. And I’ll be in touch on this page when that relates to fear! This challenge HAS been a catalyst for me...on days that I normally would have hidden away from tough choices, I’ve thought about it and forged ahead. Yaaaaay! And I’ll continue to do so. Stay tuned...
   

10/19 & 10/20

Monday of this week, I allowed myself to “not know.” I have huge fear voices around looking dumb, being perceived as inadequate/irrelevant, etc., and on Monday evening, I was part of a trio of people leading a board of directors through what could have been a terrifically sticky, frustrating process. And in the midst of it, as one of my teammates was facilitating a portion of the evening, I was TOTALLY LOST! And instead of allowing my fears to take over (which, in the past, would have had me spouting off something, so I wouldn’t look dumb), I actually just sat back and observed my own inner process. I saw that I a) didn’t have to know everything all the time, which is one of the huge gifts of being part of a team, and b) I could actually just trust the process and myself, reassuring myself that I’m a smart chick and that I’d catch up to the conversation at some point, which I did!

Last evening, I danced with my fear of not being liked. As mentioned before, there’s some intense emotional stuff happening here at Casa Neff/Hildreth, and while yesterday during the day I was doing pretty well, last evening I just felt weighted down and tired. I’d been invited to a lovely dinner party of women, where I only knew two of the ten present. In the past, I’d have done whatever heroic maneuver needed to shove that heaviness off to the side so I could do my happyclappy song and dance, trying to make sure everyone there thought I was bright and funny and cool. But instead, I let myself just be where I was. The women who knew me surely could tell that something was off, but otherwise, being true to myself was more important than creating some false persona for anyone. It was hard, and I had moments of insecurity and “shoulds” (I should be talking more! I should be more bubbly!”), but those fears have actually shrunk just enough so that my fear of not feeling what’s present is bigger, as is my desire to fully feel and let my emotions pass through, so I’ve got my emotions and they don’t have me! (I hope that makes sense.) At any rate, suffice it to say, the fear dancing and wrestling and learning and observing continues!

TODAY I’m trying to figure out how I want to be with my fear of not being/doing enough. I haven’t slept well the past few nights, and I’m having an allergy-laden day, so the overall effect is that of exhaustion! All I want to do is go lie down in the grass in the warm, fall sun and take a nap, but the fear drums are beating...”Must be productive. Must be productive. Must be productive...” But, what is it to be productive? What if taking time out for self-care was actually the most productive thing I could do today? That would toss that fear right onto its nasty little head. SO, I commit to taking at least one full hour this afternoon for pure, unplanned, unstructured self care.

10/17 & 10/18/09

Yesterday: forward motion made on scary topic that my dear husband and I keep stumbling around but never diving into. I took a step to move the conversation forward. Yieyieyie! Scary, but I did it!

Today: forgodssake I FINALLY finished and published my updated “What Is Life Leadership?” page! Proof here!

10/16/09

Today I let it rip. At least, more than I have in a long time. I’ve mentioned before in my blog (video and otherwise) that part of my journey entails re-learning how to fully feel and allow and express and share my emotions. Well, all this stuff I’m working through personally is a friggin’ stomping ground of emotions, and my normal m.o. is to stuff, stuff, stuff...not feel the super-good stuff and not feel the super-hard stuff...which makes Laura a very numb girl. Thankfully, I have the support right now of a wonderful therapist who very patiently poked me down the path today of getting in touch with sadness and anger in a healthy, safe way. It was terrifying, though. Everything in me tried to make me run the other direction and NOT feel any more deeply than the numb place I was inhabiting when I walked into her office. I was giggling and stalling and intellectualizing. But I finally just went there. And I’m so glad I did. I know it’s just a start, but I did it.

10/15/09

Hi gang. I’ve been absent from this challenge for a week. I know. And all I can ask is for your patience. There’s some heavy-duty, highly fear-hurdling, deeply personal stuff happening here on this end, and please trust me when I say that I’m dealing with fear every day. I’ll post more about the details at some point...no promises when...and I will return to the more public daily work of this incredible project very soon! xoxo

10/8/09

GULP! Okay, so yesterday I did the teleclass I wrote about below. But what I didn’t write was that I had some HUGE saboteur voices charging around in my head about it afterwards...about how there wasn’t much interaction with participants and what did I do wrong and blah blah blah. As the content represents the crux of my work, it’s stuff I really want to deepen and widen and move forward with into improved teleclasses (probably a series), workshops, retreats, a book, etc. SO, today I had the opportunity to talk with the fabulous Helen House, a senior leader with the Coaches Training Institute and general badass coach and woman, and she offered to listen to the recording and give me feedback.

Oh. My. God.

I was terrified to say yes. So I hemmed and hawed on our call and didn’t commit to anything. And then I took my Lucie for a walk. And while I was walking and thinking, I remembered this (damn) challenge, and I knew I had to say yes! I came home, wrote Helen a long email, and hit “send.” BAAAH! My stomach is in knots, but I HAVE NO DOUBT that it was the right decision. Thank you, Cassandra, and thank you, Helen!!!

10/7/09

Steppin’ out, steppin’ out, steppin’ out through fear and on faith! Today I led a teleclass that represents the crux of my work over the past three years. I wasn’t interviewing another coach; I wasn’t co-leading material with someone; I wasn’t talking about this stuff in a way that I’ve done a hundred times before. It felt like showing my shiny baby to the world, and it was scary! And I fumbled a bit, and the call was kind of awkward at times, but you know what? I DID IT. I sat down, wrote up the beginnings of a great body of work, and I shared it. Phew! AND, I promised a follow-up teleseries that will require me to stretch the content even further, put more of myself and this work that I believe in so strongly out there. Yabba dabba DO!!!

10/6/09

It’s hard to say no. I get scared that people will think I don’t care, can’t manage my calendar, just can’t get it together, am slacking, blah blah blah. But today I said no. It was a day of unexpected circumstances that meant I lost several hours of dedicated work time for a project that has a definite deadline in the next 24 hours. So, I had to back out of a commitment I’d made to a group of coaches that I lead...I had committed to being present at a community-building function I’d started earlier this year, and all the fear-mongering voices were beating their drums saying, “if you back out, the whole thing will fall apart! If you don’t go, no one’s going to be there otherwise, and then the guy who offered to host will be disappointed and lose faith in the overall group,” etc. But I have to stay balanced. I have to stay sane. I am committed to showing up prepared and ready for this other commitment, and the truth is, I’ve put a LOT of time into this gathering I’ve backed out of, and there’s no way it’s going to fall apart without me! If it does, then I’ve failed in building a sustainable model of community. SO. I did it. I took a deep breath and said, “sorry, but I can’t be there.” The fear voices are all rampaging around, but it’s done, and it was the right thing, and I’m just breathing into trust that if it’s right for me, it’s right for everyone!

10/5/09

                                   Sad, sad day, and one that I’ve been afraid of for a long time. As

                                   we haven’t had kids of our own (yet), we’re big pet folks. When we

                                   met, Robert and his son had a funny, young, scrappy cat named

                                   Spike, I had two of my own (JoJo and Chloe), we later rescued a

                                   fourth (Kevin), a dog adopted us almost two years ago (Lucie), and

                                   about a month ago, we got two chickens (Rosie and Blanca). (Don’t

                                   worry--all the cats and dog are indoor/outdoor, and the house doesn’t

                                   smell like a pound!)

                                   Spike’s health has been in a downhill slide for a few years now, and

                                   we’ve had him back and forth to the vet more times that I like to count, always resulting in the vet scratching his head and wondering what the heck to do next to help Spike feel better. And this morning, our dear, funny, crazy, tough-as-nails, eccentric Spike crashed, and we ended up taking him in to the vet one last time to end his suffering. Although we’ve anticipated this day for a long time and knew it was coming, when it hit, we weren’t prepared. We didn’t want it to come. We didn’t want our little Spiggles to go away. But he was experiencing extreme pain and suffering, and it had to be faced. We loved our little guy, and it was an awful time this morning. I hope I don’t have to face another one like it for a long time.

10/3 - 4

Well. Slacker me! At least, that’s what my inner saboteur wants me to believe. I took the weekend off, and I was afraid to come clean about it! You know what, though? I’m more afraid of what will happen if I don’t create space for stillness, quiet, and it’s something I’ve run from lately. So maybe being still this weekend, resting, relaxing, reading, not running around like a chicken with its head cut off, was something to face. It’s been months, I mean MONTHS, since I had a weekend off. So, no apologies. And hopefully more to come soon!

10/2/09

Today I’m posting a YouTube video to my Life Leadership Coaching fan page (http://www.facebook.com/LifeLeadershipCoaching)  on Facebook that has a strong political statement. It’s scary because my fear is screaming at me that to be controversial--to post anything edgy like that--is to risk alienating my fans...to risk losing some of them. BUT, I am MORE dedicated to the message in the clip that I find so powerful. If someone can watch this clip and feel just a tiny bit less fettered in themselves and in their lives and in this world, then it will have been worth the risk. Here’s my favorite part, which falls right in the middle of the clip: "You were born free. You will live free. You will die free. You are allowed to make a scene. You are allowed to scream for joy. You are allowed to complain. You are allowed to cry. You are allowed to love people. You are allowed to hug people. And we're starting to live in a world where we're starting to feel scared. We're starting to forget just how divine and special we are as human beings. Every single one of you is the ONLY example of you that will ever exist, and there's not a single authority in the world...who can tell you how to behave in any time, any place, any where. You are free. You will live free. You will die free. The only chains that exist are in your mind. You can do anything you want, if you put your mind to it."

10/1/09

Okay. I took the day off from this project. I admit it!

9/30/09

Even though today was a sick day for me, I emailed the new Adult Religious Education coordinator at my church and offered my services to create/teach a class or program. A few years ago, I did a four-week program on values, and it was great! But since then, I’ve had a saboteur rampaging around in my head telling me I don’t have any other worthy content in me, and that values work is just plain vanilla when it comes to coaching workshops. :( No fun! So, I’ve had fear around reaching out. And guess what? He wrote RIGHT BACK, telling me that I had been on his list of people to reach out to for that very thing! :D I love how the universe works.

9/29/09

Big forward movement on the husband/me project today. BIG. Huge gulps being taken on this end, and my challenge is to NOT give into my patterns of hiding out emotionally when I’m scared. Today I vow to stay OUT of myself and open with him, even though I’m scared...in fact, SINCE I’m scared, I will stay out and open and transparent. Deep breaths!

9/28/09

Had another GREAT day of busting through fears today! I’m going to do a short video blog tomorrow on this, but today’s fear-busting had to do with eliminating tolerations...niggling, sneaky, irritating things that I’m tolerating in my life that keep me from being all that I can be. It has to do with that damn fear of success thing I mentioned below, and I’m tired of it! This project, as young as it is, has given me chuzpah to blast apart things I’m tolerating, and I went for it today as it related to my physical environment. We live on a few acres of land, so it’s easy for little piles of things to get started at various places around the property. A pile of bricks here, a pile of stick and branches there, etc., and next thing you know, we haven’t finished any project completely and are mowing around weed-infested piles. SO, today I tore through a pile of old bricks, trashing the broken ones and neatly stacking the good ones. We got ride of some concrete pilings that were by our barn, I tidied up some old hoses and stakes, and inside the house I sorted through a huge box of photos and cleaned out our two main storage closets, both of which were a WRECK. GAWD IT FELT GOOD! CLEAR SPACE!!!

9/27/09

Today I had a GREAT day, and it started off by facing something I fear right out of the gate. I mean, before 8:00 a.m...which is pretty darn early to be staring fear in the face. And can I just say? I ROCKED IT! Suffice it to say that my husband and I are working on a big project together, and today was a big day in our project plan. Started off with a big gulp, and got so much better because of how I was able to show up in the face of my fear! SUPPORT IS WILDLY IMPORTANT in facing fears. And I’d faced a fear yesterday in asking him for specifically what I needed so that this morning would go well. Woohoo!

9/26/09

I’m having a similar conundrum today as my co-100-Things-conspirator, Kelly Carlin-McCall. I mean, it’s Saturday. A day off. I’ve been moving through fear the past three days, finding it in surprising corners. And I’m tired today! Waaa!

However, I am noticing a sneaky fear bubble up today that I’ve been aware of for some time, and maybe it’s a day to play with it consciously. It’s kind of weird, but here goes: sometimes, when I have an open, unstructured day ahead of me, anxiety bubbles up. I’m afraid I’ll get to the end of the day and feel like I’ve wasted it. But the kicker is that the anxiety creates this mind-numbing spin, because at the same time, I also don’t want to be uber-structured-to-the-max. So I often end up spinning, “busy,” but not “productive.” It’s where my Protestant Work Ethic (aka PWE) battles my need to just relax and not think, and I never fully land in either camp. Yuck!

So, here’s my commitment. Today, I’ll turn off the tv and the computer. I’ll get clear on the few things I want to get done, and then I’ll let myself off the hook for the rest of the time. I’ll work just enough, and then I’ll chill! I will, in fact, be intentional. Aaaah, the fear is breaking up already. Good bye for now!

9/25/09

Here’s what’s scary today:

1. 1.Admitting to you that I haven’t finished my writing yet. BUT, it is IN PROGRESS, which is more than it was before. More writing to happen over the weekend.
   

2. 2.Another shot. Deep breath.
   

3. 3.Remind my husband that tomorrow is “create a workable system for our family finances” day. For us, that’s about the equivalent of pull out fingernails one by one. Ugh--I know!
   

9/24/09

Today I’m finishing what I started yesterday, which is to finally, finally re-write my “What is Life Leadership” page on this website! Since that was a thing from yesterday, I’ll only half-count it for today. My other challenge today is that I’m going to...gulp...give myself a shot. Yup. With a needle. I won’t go into why, but suffice it to say that it’s worth it, but my stomach feels queasy just writing about it! Scared for sure about it, but it’s a perfect opportunity to take a deep breath, pull up my courage, keep my eye on the “what for,” and GO!

9/23/09

Okay, okay, OKAY. I’ll DO IT. And this might sound bizarre to some of you, but I’m afraid of my own clarity sometimes. I can talk about it all day long with folks...who I am as a coach, what I’m up to, who I coach, etc. But when it comes to writing it down? Putting it in black and white? HUGE fear comes up! And I’ve been avoiding re-writing my “What Is Life Leadership?” page as well as this month’s ezine because of it. I’m not going to get into all the various forms the fear takes, or why it’s there, but I COMMIT to knocking out BOTH items TODAY. Before my 2:00 client! (Deep breath here. Now I’m off to the coffee shop to WRITE.) 6:23 p.m. Update: Ezine: check! Yeah! And it took all the time I had set aside earlier to write both. So, tomorrow is the website updating day. No excuses! Watch for it!

9/22/09

Called a client who’s been on a break for a few months. I’d committed to calling in September to check in, see when we’d be starting back up, etc. My saboteur (inner critic, gremlin, etc.) was having a field day, whispering mean things into my ear about how this client wasn’t going to want to start back up again because the work we did in the past wasn’t helpful, didn’t move him forward, etc. So, I’ve been resisting calling so I wouldn’t have to face that potential reality. Whatever! Listening to that kind of fear gets me NOWHERE except feeling bad about myself. No good! I just made the call, left a message, and know that what we did in the past was GREAT and what will be in the months to come is exactly what needs to be for both of us!